Wagons are being circled, tizzies are being thrown and children are being thought of in Oklahoma City, as the state's religious leaders are urging the faithful to pray like they've never prayed before in preparation for the most eagerly-anticipated religious event in the history of the city—one which the Catholic Diocese of Oklahoma claims could engulf the city with satanic evil via dry ice and a bucket of fake piss.
The Oklahoman reports that the black mass set for September 21 at the Oklahoma City Civic Center's City Space Theater has officially been sold-out, with all 88 seats snapped up by Satanists or the satanic-curious.
"I'm very glad that we get the opportunity to share with people what Satanism really is and not Hollywood portrays it to be," Daniels told the Oklahoman. "They like to say Satanists get together and sacrifice animals and people, and that's not what we do."
The venue—conveniently located in the basement of the Civic Center—officially seats 92 people, but officials say that Daniels kept four tickets to hand out himself.
(Those unfortunate souls with a Mephistophelian bent but without a ticket to the big to-do can and should stick around Oklahoma City another week for a special presentation of "The Music Man in Concert" instead. Great tickets are still available!)
Naturally enough, the idea of a black mass has not set well with Oklahoma's large Catholic community—who have been working curiously hard since the previously hyper-obscure event was announced to make sure that virtually everyone in the world is aware of the horror about set to be sprung on the previously quiet and virtuous streets of Oklahoma City.
The Rev. Don Wolf of St. Eugene Catholic Church says that the event—a mockery of Catholic Communion that traditionally involves peeing and naked ladies, but which Daniels has said will be toned-down to comply with local decency laws—could evoke the actual Devil himself into making an appearance.
"To engage in this is to open the window up to the presence of forces that are not to be trifled with," Wolf told the Oklahoman.
Oklahoma Diocese Archbishop Paul Coakley has scheduled a prayer service and procession for the afternoon of the 21st, just prior to the black mass.
Coakley has also asked his parishes to conclude each Mass with a prayer to St. Michael the Archangel (who, if you remember your Sunday School lessons, defeated Satan and flung him back to Earth in the Book of Revelations) through September 29th—or the day The Music Man opens in Oklahoma City, which should be great musical fun for the whole family assuming the Civic Center isn't engulfed by perdition's flames.
In August, Fallin got her satanic groups mixed up and said she was outraged that "a group of New York City 'satanists' would travel all the way to Oklahoma to peddle their filth here."
The Satanic Temple of New York City demanded an apology from Fallin, noting that they aren't involved in any way with the Oklahoma black mass. The group has been involved in Oklahoma politics in other ways, though—having worked to get a remarkable monument to Satan erected in the Oklahoma statehouse.
It's worth noting that the previous Daniels-organized black mass event booked at the theater—and which was virtually ignored by the Catholic Church—drew the sum total of zero attendees, city officials have said.
Daniels—a convicted sex offender and former prison guard whose events have been essentially disavowed by other satanic groups across the nation—says that there will be dimmed lights, electric candles, dry ice instead of incense and vinegar instead of urine to comply with public safety and decency laws.
It may sound like the makings of either a bad stand-up prop comic act or perhaps a low-budget pro wrestling intro, but Daniels assures everyone that a blasphemous time will still be had by all.
"As far as the script, the amount of blasphemy and the amount of sacrilege will remain the same," told the Oklahoman, although one thing it won't include is an actual consecrated Eucharistic host after the Diocese of Oklahoma filed a lawsuit claiming that it was stolen.
A consecrated Eucharistic host is essentially a cracker that Catholics believe turns into to the actual body of Christ in your mouth. According to the ever-vigilant Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, the evil Okies planned to corrupt the holy cracker with sexual fluids.
Under church canon law, a consecrated Eucharistic host is considered a legal possession of the church, and if any unauthorized person has possession of one it's considered to be stolen property.
"We would proceed to do the satanic consecration by forcing Jesus into the bread. At that point there will be things yelled at the bread, talking about how it's a worthless chamberlain who doesn't do its job and all it does is sleep, doesn't answer any prayers and allows for its own people to be hurt, and because of it it has killed millions of our brethren, meaning pagans and Satanists alike throughout the centuries. At that point it will be dashed to the floor, and the deacon and subdeacon will be smashing it and stomping on it."
The event—which, just to restate, drew zero attendees until the Diocese of Oklahoma curiously decided to publicize it—has also sparked a petition drive to try and convince the city to cancel the event.
"We should be having more positive things going on on public property and not such negative things," attorney Michael W. Caspino, who led the fight to have the allegedly stolen cracker returned to the Diocese, told CNA.
Officials with the Civic Center—which charged the Dakhma of Angra Mainyu $420 for five hours use of the facility—have said that they cannot legally cancel the event, noting that they can't deny use of the facility to any group based solely on their content.